Thread:Aryix/@comment-32191287-20181019114727

Maybe I was screwed from the start. Throughout elementary school I wasn't the most social child, but I did have some other kids I would talk to regularly. I did not have many close friends, but those that I did have I would cherish. I would love sitting with them at lunch, or talking with them at recess. Unfortunately, most of these relationships were short lived before one by one they would move away or move on from me.

At the start of 6th grade, I had only one friend left from elementary school, Tayla. However, things would soon look up for me. I would consider 6th grade as my golden year for friendship before things went downhill. I met Alexis and Jackson on this year. Me, Tayla, Alexis, and Jackson were now all friends. Together, as a group. I was quiet, had a very "random xD" sense of humor, and engaged often in conversations between my friends. I was not entirely anti-social. Tayla was like me, but she was much more social and outspoken than I ever was. Alexis was quieter than me. She kept to herself often. She has told us that she was suicidal and depressed, however she seemed happier when we would all talk together at lunch. Jackson was an awesome dude. He had a similar sense of humor to the rest of us. He was quiet at times but was not afraid of expressing his love for anime and Japanese culture. All four of us loved anime, more so me, Alexis, and Jackson, but Tayla was also interested in anime. We bonded over talking about it. Throughout all of 6th grade I had a consistent group of friends. I was happy. Toward the end of the school year, Jackson announced that he was moving that summer. This was the time when things began to decline for me. The last day of school was the last day we were all together. Looking back on it now, it was incredibly melancholy. I did not have a phone. We could not exchange phone numbers. I had lost contact with a very important and close friend.

When 7th grade began I only had Alexis and Tayla. I had met a few friendly acquaintances, but none that were close enough that I would sit next to at lunch or have extended conversations with. More like buddies that I would chat with during classes we shared. It was about October 2016 when I attempted to contact Jackson via his email, which he did not seem to check up on often. It was not until months later, March 2017, I think(?) that I received a reply. We kept a very, very brief conversation before I sent him another message and he never responded again. During 7th grade Tayla and I began to drift apart from Alexis, likely because at lunch Tayla would sit next to another friend whom Alexis did not like. Our relationship as a group was clearly falling apart. Alexis kept more to herself than before. She didn't talk as much as she had before and seemed disinterested whenever we tried to start a conversation. I also began to personally drift from Tayla. I'm not sure if she felt the same, likely not. This continued into 8th grade.

In 8th grade, Alexis was particularly isolated from me and Tayla. She had back surgery and was absent for most of the school year because she needed to recover. It was now just Tayla and I. I felt even more disconnected from Tayla. To me it seemed like our friendship was only dragging on from Elementary school at this point, and I had been with her just so I could have someone to sit with and talk to at lunch. In the later half of the school year, Alexis had returned from her recovery. She sat alone at most lunch times. When I tried to approach her she would indirectly push me away. She might have been reading a book, or had a lack of care for whatever topic I wanted to bring up. Whatever it was, she barely spoke and did not want to speak. It was the same result when Tayla would take a day to sit with Alexis instead of the friend that Alexis did not like. She was very distant.

Fast forward to very late in the school year. Spring 2018. A girl in my homeroom, who sometimes had her eye on me, began passing notes to me during homeroom period. She wrote poems for me, it was so nice. Her name was Arielle. We did not share any classes together (except for art. And art was a very individual-oriented class with little time to chat with people outside of your table.) We almost never spoke outside of passing notes. She and I became very close very fast. We shared secrets with each other. I wish we had more time together. I do not have many regrets, but one regret I do have is not reaching out to her more. On the last day of school I asked for her phone number. I still did not have a phone, but I figured I could call her using my home phone, as embarrassing as that sounds. I never called her. I do not have much experience talking on the phone, voice chatting, video chatting, or anything of that nature; and I was, and still am, afraid of calling her. I'm sure I still have her phone number written. I miss her. She was one of my last friends.

I now in the freshman year of high school. Tayla goes to a different school. Arielle went to another school. Alexis is here with me, but we do not talk at all. We have completely drifted apart. High school is much more intimidating to me. It is like the social aspect of middle school took steroids. This school is a lot bigger. There are older kids here and I feel inferior and small compared to them, or even to my peers in the same grade. It feels like everyone is judging me and I cannot tell if they actually are or not. Is my perception of them judging me because they are actually juding me or is it because I judge myself and others so much that I assume other people judge me just as much? It's so painfully selfish of me to think these thoughts when I know in the grand scheme. I do not matter, and most people in my school do not matter either. I'm not important.

I have no friends that I consistently talk to. I'm a loser and I know everyone knows it. I do not sit next to anyone at lunch. I just sit alone at a table in the library while everyone else there during lunch sit with friends. And now I am left frustrated. I can sense other people underestimating my academic and intellectual potential. I have learned that from my teachers in 8th grade. But I'm weak. I will come home exhausted from school, feeling mentally drained. Often I will feel like crying, and sometimes I do cry. I still do not have a phone, so I feel excluded and isolated. My classmates keep using SnapChat to take videos or pictures of other people or themselves, and I have severe anxiety over being in videos without my consent. It is so humiliating to me. Why am I like this? So anxious, so overly concerned with how others perceive me. I am alone, and I cannot find anyone who seems approachable and relatable enough to be friends with. Everyone already has friends except me. I'm behind. When I try to start a conversation with someone, I'm left ignored. They will brush me off and pretend I did not talk to them. Even if it's something simple like praising someone for doing well in that one game in PE. It's annoying, and it hurts. And on top of all of this I have academic pressures to deal with, personal stuff, my own insecurities. It's hard to find a time when my mind isn't racing and worried about something. Thinking about my past, whether as recent as minutes ago or as far back as years makes me so sad, angry, or frustrated.

Why can't I be normal? What makes me unable to fit in?

''tl;dr: My social life sucks balls, both now and in the past. Everyone thinks I'm a total weirdo. Nobody will let me be their friend or even let me talk with them because they push me away. I'm very anxious and with all the other crap I have to deal with in my life it's been very stressful past 3+ years. 